In real life, he would have been promptly pulled aside while

In real life, he would have been promptly pulled aside while

8 Kids Movies That Lied to Us

canada goose store Production companies have made millions giving children canada goose outlet uk exactly what they want: whether it’s to be an adult, get rich, or meet David Bowie, indulging childhood fantasies is a hallmark of family films. canada goose store

Imagine the canada goose outlet in usa trauma those same children undergo when they’re forced to realize that being an adult sucks, getting rich entails smuggling drugs in your ass, and meeting David Bowie entails smuggling drugs in your ass. Well, as children canada goose jacket outlet scarred by the false expectations set up in films, we say no more! Below, canada goose outlet nyc eight movies that are begging to be unmasked canada goose factory outlet for the dangerously optimistic propaganda they really are.

buy canada goose jacket In the original version of the film, Hayley Mills plays a set of reunited twins who get their parents back together by switching places and forcing them into a meeting, simultaneously foiling the designs of the father’s current girlfriend (who, it conveniently turns out, is a straight up gold digger). Not only is this canada goose outlet online plan of Rube Goldberg caliber complexity, it also canada goose outlet jackets assumes that your parents are still in love and that dad’s girlfriend is a bitch he’s just dying to unload. In reality, if your rich dad left canada goose outlet shop his wife for a younger girlfriend, odds are she’s got particular ASSets that he’s not going to want to just leave BEHIND. Okay, puns over. buy canada goose jacket

Canada Goose Parka In the remake of the film, the story remains basically the same, but Hayley Mills is Lindsay Lohan, the dad is Dennis Quaid, and the parents literally state that they don’t remember why they ever got divorced. That’s all well and good for Dennis Quaid, but our parents sure as hell remember why they goose outlet canada got divorced, and in most cases it involved restraining orders, late nights at the office and four hour shouting matches about undersalted meat canada goose outlet reviews loaf. Canada Goose Parka

canada goose black friday sale 1) Adults spend most of their time dancing on giant pianos, getting paid to test toys, and winning beautiful women away from their boyfriends, and all we have to do to become one is locate a magic robot gypsy. canada goose black friday sale

2) A good place to start? Our local carnival. Because there’s nothing that will end your childhood faster than sneaking around the darkened tents of a carnival backlot and asking whoever you run into if there’s anything they’d care to show a little boy. (Actually, this turned out to be a pretty effective way of ending our childhood, though no magic robot gypsy was involved.)

uk canada goose outlet In the movie Big, Tom Hanks gets paid to tell a toy manufacturer which canada goose outlet store uk toys kids will like. You know what that’s called? Market research. You know how much you get paid to do that in real life? A handful of Cheetohs and a Styrofoam cup of Sierra Mist. uk canada goose outlet

canada goose coats In reality, most adults make a living by selling off little pieces of their dignity to an asshole in a tie until they finally go home one night and “forget” to turn the car exhaust off in the garage. Also, gypsies aren’t magic (unless looking crippled when you’re not is magic) and playing the piano with your feet is a good way to get kicked out of most establishments. You really want to give up the next twelve years of your life in exchange for turning into Tom Hanks? Sure, it sounds okay, until you stop to consider that it means in a little under twenty years you’ll look like this: canada goose coats

Canada Goose Jackets Our nagging suspicion that all the pricks we meet are just kids trapped in adult bodies, and while we slowly suffocate in our own awkward neuroses, they are marveling at the wonder of the adult world. Canada Goose Jackets

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cheap Canada Goose 2) Money really will bring you total happiness, and if you happen to steal that money from a dangerous criminal, no canada goose outlet sweat! He’ll just be captured through a series of highly unlikely events, because there’s no canada goose outlet toronto factory way God would let him come to your castle and murder you with a claw hammer for daring to canada goose outlet sale cross him. cheap Canada Goose

canada goose coats on sale The archetypal 90s scamp in this movie has got such a huge set of balls it’s a wonder he’s able to move, let alone defraud a bank. First he steals a million dollars, then he uses a “hacked” Macintosh Performa 600 to perfectly mimic a human voice and buy a castle complete canada goose black friday sale with go kart track and water slide, making him the single greatest computer engineer of his era. In real life, he would have been promptly pulled aside while waiting in line at the bank and stood whimpering while his (probably drunk) father was called to come canada goose outlet parka pick him up/beat him for wasting the nice peoples’ time. canada goose coats on sale

1) That if we ever get stuck babysitting our bratty younger sibling, a simple evocation of the goblin horde will not only rid us of her, but introduce us to a number of amusing muppet friends.

buy canada goose jacket cheap 2) The kidnappers we’ve been constantly warned about by our parents aren’t really a threat, as they are easily identified by their sequin covered cravats and habit of singing about Dance Magic. buy canada goose jacket cheap

3) Babies are an easily avoided burden.

4) canada goose outlet store Life’s challenges are rarely more frightening than a maze filled with felt, and when you get to the end you get the chance to bone the guy that wrote “Major Tom.”

Kids that try canada goose outlet online uk and evoke the Goblin Horde don’t get valuable lessons in responsibility; they get put under professional supervision by child psychologists. Labyrinth’s female protagonist would have been charged with child endangerment, criminal negligence, and putting a rift in the fabric of reality. Worse, all the muppet friends she (and by proxy, we) fell in love with are nothing more than inanimate heaps of laundry being wiggled around by a middle aged guy who makes a living putting his hands up fake asses.

cheap canada goose uk Learning to contact juggle crystal spheres will make your the coolest kid in school. cheap canada goose uk

There is a secret world of magic and wonder, and if we’re good enough, we’ll get to see it.

canada goose uk black friday 1) If the babysitter died while watching us, it meant a canada goose outlet summer full of fun, cash, important lessons in maturity, and budding teen romance with the cute canada goose outlet new york city guy who works at the corndog place. canada goose uk black friday

2) There’s no better way to introduce your younger siblings to canada goose outlet canada the subject of their own mortality than by having them stuff the corpse of an elderly woman into a box and ditch it outside a mortuary. With no mother there to answer all the pounding questions they’ll have about their own inevitable deaths, you’re free to tell them whatever you want!

Canada Goose Coats On Sale 3) Having your parents out of town canada goose outlet black friday and old people dead and out of the way presents the perfect opportunity to bond the family and land a high paying job at a fashion design firm, pioneering your own line of 80’s clothing and embezzling funds all without any lasting consequences. Canada Goose Coats On Sale

canada goose uk outlet In reality, there are only two ways your babysitter can die while watching you. One involves listening to her garbled screams as a masked intruder drowned her in the bath she was drawing for you and your siblings. The other involves a stench like someone lit a thousand farts. Either way, the only important lesson in maturity you’re likely to get is when you have to tell your younger sister that Mrs. Calloway is “just sleeping” and drag her body official canada goose outlet to the garage to wait for your Mom to come home. canada goose uk outlet

Canada Goose Online One day, we too could look as cool as David Duchovny looks in this movie: Canada Goose Online

Mom will always forgive us, as long as no one was hurt. After all, what’s the important thing: Embezzlement and massive fraud, or that we all had good intentions.

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